Infertility.

This is going to be a little less fun and happy part of “Show me Ashley, Again” series, where you can find behind my blog name, struggling to be a stay at home mom, and meeting my husband on Facebook. This is now, after our successful pregnancy, and what it looks like now after struggling with infertility.

I wrote 100’s of blog posts filling my draft box full of tears over my struggle with Infertility. You can read my one real post while I was struggling here.

I felt broken, and I only wanted to write about being a success.

The truth is the fertility treatments almost didn’t work. Feeling like we were never going to be able to pay for IVF, I was sitting in a very emotional state while writing that.

I couldn’t bare to share publicly; I just felt more of a failure, more sadness, and I did not want to hear insensitive comments.

Now I do have a child, but I just feel differently. I allowed people to let me feel ashamed, and refuse to do so any longer.

I am still angry at those who said “Just adopt” when opening up about my diagnosis for the first time.

Right now I wish I would have been less secretive of what was going on. I distanced myself and severed relationships I treasured. Wouldn’t even know how to go back and repair those relationships, how do you say you hurt me then, and I am still sore about it.

Even though, I have an amazing little kiddo now.

I am now 100% open and honest when people CHRONICALLY ask me when we are having another child.

My go to statement is “Actually, he was tough to make, and I am just not ready to go through that pain again.” *deep breath

Usually, they try to tell me the same things I have heard before: relax, this time may be different, “you will be blessed if you are meant to be,” etc., there, etc. Apparently, you have NEVER gone through infertility. You never know what someone has gone through, and if they tell you something that is likely very painful? And you say ” If it is meant to be it will happen”: You suck. It isn’t a well-wishing statement. It’s quite awful, and if someone has told you they struggled to get pregnant the first time? You should probably lay off the 2nd baby talk- Why not just talk about their amazing sweet hard fought baby/ toddler/ child.

We already talked about it many times while going through my treatments, and now that we have a toddler: We are not going through it again.

I was more hormonal during infertility treatment than any part of my pregnancy combined.  There was also the physical pain too. It hurt me, stressed me out, caused me to feel such a pain and void. Neither of us is currently willing to revisit that.

We are ok with having an only child and have been at peace with it ever since getting pregnant. We certainly treat our little guy like an only child, and I am not sure that feeling will change if fertility treatments are the only option. I mean another c-section is not looking too fun either.

We still want another child; we are just not willing to go down the same path.

I have never had regular cycles without medication, and this year has been throwing the natural/non-scientific methods to help regular my cycle. I researched anything and every PCOS, and nontraditional treatments. From our Whole30/Primal/Paleo eating habits to all natural household products. I found most of the methods and kept them when going through our rounds of treatment before. They stuck. So this was just adding to the overhaul even more. Tip: Vegan products are usually free from all the bad chemicals and on the rise!

This January after doing extensive research on a few herbs, and essential oils, I approached my husband about trying unconventional fertility assistance. I waited until weaning from breastfeeding in March to start taking anything internally but started oils topically in February.  I have never been regular in my life until starting oils, and not always the typical standard, but it is better than a decade of struggle. My husband laughed at me once I started using oils, but after having six regular cycles without medication- he is more of a believer of my “voodoo.”  Plus we are at peace to have our miracle baby. 

We now are open to adoption. I know everyone who said ” Just adopt” meant well, but it was callous and unfortunate timing. Pumped up with hormones just desperately wanting to give my body a chance, it was a slap in the face. Well, we tried, was lucky enough to have success, and now open to the idea.

Everyone is going to be different.  I urge you friends of those going through infertility: just to let them tell you what they desire.

Don’t try to help by offering solutions.

I am sure they already know, and it isn’t helpful.

Just be there for them.