I always knew I would have trouble getting pregnant. I never thought I would struggle with infertility.
It explains why it became my biggest fear when I met and married my husband. It brought a whole new feeling of importance and guilt.
At 148 lbs when I was 16 I had a diagnosis of PCOS after mind-blowing pain blew up my ovaries month after month, the doctor reviewed Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome in all its awful details to me and “infertility” stuck with me. Now it never really bothered me, for the most part. I felt young and hopeful. Also, I didn’t picture myself having kids “forever.” I mean, statistical outliers always exist— I felt like I could eventually get pregnant like everyone else. Now I wish I would have paid more attention to all the other HORRIBLE symptoms as well.
Now I sit a 26-year-old who went through 16 months of testing, blood work, biopsies, and horrible menstrual cycles with a final diagnosis of infertility. My worst fear is coming true. I could write a novel on the process, and how doctors spent months ( over a year) giving me the run around instead of just saying” Nope this isn’t going to happen for you, not on your own.”
I have been so quiet on the blog for a few reasons. My biggest one?
I was fearful of people knowing.
Besides a few close to me, I did not want to admit that I am infertile.
I couldn’t grasp what it was that caused me to panic when I found out my husband confided in my sister-in-law (that I love). It was like, not only is this diagnosis real, others knowing made me nervous. It made me worry how people would feel sorry for my husband, blame me for being broken, and oh the list of crazy goes on. Even with a few incidents being my own “over sharing open book personality” spilling all my feelings out on them. Will they judge me for being defective?
I had a fear of judgment. I had some fears confirmed when someone earlier in the year callously said “well should you even try to have children with your medical problems? Is that even wise?”
What the hell?
I have a thyroid problem and PCOS….But no one had ever said anything to me like that, not a doctor, not any of my other friends. I took it as a concern. …then. But, now I think about that sentiment left with me. All. The. Time. Infertility sucks, and sometimes those closest to you suck and say horrible things.
Am I even supposed to be trying to have a baby?
I have a journal full of things people have said to me, and the comebacks I wish I would have had the guts to say. I have blog post after blog post starting this story… Then becoming TOO fearful to share.
What about infertility is taboo? I know for me all my fears kept coming true and I wish people would think before they say ” well there is always adoption.” Which I promptly blow up in a crazy hormone pumped way.
There was this one time the adoption option comment came like this magical fix all cure to my wish for children, and it occurred after expressing my fears of starting treatment/infertility treatment failure.We were not there yet as I had just received the diagnosis, and it infuriated me. Why should that be my only option?
Are you saying I shouldn’t try? Are you are just going to adopt instead of trying, or you had kids instead of adopting…why didn’t you just adopt instead? The doctor thinks these pills will kick-start my ovaries. .” All things I should have said and I didn’t.
The fact is: I’m 100% normal/healthy on all the many tests completed. There is just an issue with ovulation happening. I feel lucky that it is ” only a lack of ovulation” at this time. They could find more problems down the line if things do not work out but for now baby steps.
I think since I always knew somewhere deep down, I never felt broken. Until people made me feel that way.
But. Others can’t decide my fate, or how I feel about it.
I never wanted to share my story here, regardless of how many drafts I made to vent. I browse forums of people on the same regimen as me every so often, and
I want.. I hope to become an open support to the other women struggling.
Most people will never understand and will drop awful one liners that make your barren self-feel more pain. I plan to share my story here not for pity or sympathy, but for the small chance, I can give support to someone struggling with her own infertility story.